More Uncertainties Then Certainties

I sit in a soft chair, eyes closed, time ticking away. My glasses lay on the desk upside down like I always place them. I open my eyes and look around. The soft green walls grab the black and white photos that I took and framed of different people, different places, different times. As I look around a little more a bookshelf over takes a whole wall from top to bottom filled with books and trinkets. The shelves separate the books I already read and the ones I intend to read at some point. On the corner of the farthest shelf sits a picture of me high a top of a mountain, my back to the camera. The pictures from when I studied abroad in Europe. I remember the day clearly, it took the better part of half the day to get to the top of the mountain and it took everyone in my group yelling at me for me to actually pull myself away from the mountain to take the journey back down. Dangling from a few shelves hang metals in the shape of Viking helmets all from the Warrior Dashes I participated in. It started my senior year of high school all four of us, my sisters and myself, running in the Warrior Dash and it stopped when Ash started her family. We all got too busy.  I look back to my desk and smile at the picture of me and my sisters from Sami's wedding day. She looks beautiful in her white dress and Ashley and Jess look stunning as well. I stand out a little though with my dress uniform. Sami asked me to wear it that day. She never did tell me exactly why, but I wore it all the same. Next to that pictures sits another picture this one from Jess’s wedding day. Like I told her, I would wear what ever she wanted me to that day and true to form all of us stand in matching dress with Jess standing out in her white dress. A small soft knock comes to my door as it creaks a little as it opens. “Hay babe its time to go.” I take one more look around, hop up from my chair and head off leaving the past locked in a room where it mixes with the present in hope to make me.

           

            If I close my eyes though I cannot tell you if the paper work on the desk belongs to a writer or a doctor. I cannot tell you if the window in the office over looks a city or a countryside field. I cannot tell you if the knock on the door came from a girl friend or a wife. I cannot tell you if a child cries from the room next door or just music. I can tell you though that in the closet sits an old uniform from some branch of the armed force, because at one time I saw it my duty as a citizen to serve. I can tell you that I still talk to my sisters and although we all grew older we do not grow apart. I can tell you I still love the outdoors just about as much as I love photography. I can also tell you I am happy.

            In the past two or so years I experienced so much change in myself that it changed my whole point of view of my future. If you asked me freshmen year this same question I would say “I would like to find a job as a youth pastor and of course I will get married to some gentleman.” Sophomore year, “I want to join the military I still want to eventually hold a job as a youth pastor and yes one day I will eventually marry some gentleman.” Junior year, “I want to join the military they will help me pay for medical school so I can eventually hold a job as a trauma surgeon. I will find a nice woman to settle down with.” This year I hold no for sure answer to any of those questions. What I do know right now? In the fall I will attend Simmons College in Boston, Massachusetts. I am lucky enough to live in a loving family now and forever. I am also lucky in that I found a girl that wants to date me but can also put up with me. We only think about a month in advance. I hold more questions about my future then I do answers. I know very few things and for right now I am ok with that. I think I finally understand that I do not need to provide all the answers right now. Like everything, the answers will all come in due time. Until then I will just close my eyes and think of the office with bookshelves lining one wall and lots of black and white photographs to remind me of where I came from.