I sit in a soft chair, eyes closed, time ticking
away. My glasses lay on the desk upside down like I always place
them. I open my eyes and look around. The soft green walls grab
the black and white photos that I took and framed of different people,
different places, different times. As I look around a little more a bookshelf
over takes a whole wall from top to bottom filled with books and trinkets. The
shelves separate the books I already read and the ones I intend to
read at some point. On the corner of the farthest shelf sits a picture of me
high a top of a mountain, my back to the camera. The pictures from when I
studied abroad in Europe. I remember the day clearly, it took the better
part of half the day to get to the top of the mountain and it took everyone in
my group yelling at me for me to actually pull myself away from the mountain to
take the journey back down. Dangling from a few shelves hang metals in the
shape of Viking helmets all from the Warrior Dashes I participated in. It
started my senior year of high school all four of us, my sisters and
myself, running in the Warrior Dash and it stopped when Ash started
her family. We all got too busy. I look back to my
desk and smile at the picture of me and my sisters from Sami's wedding
day. She looks beautiful in her white dress and Ashley and Jess look stunning
as well. I stand out a little though with my dress uniform. Sami asked
me to wear it that day. She never did tell me exactly why, but I wore it all
the same. Next to that pictures sits another picture this one from Jess’s wedding
day. Like I told her, I would wear what ever she wanted me to
that day and true to form all of us stand in matching dress with
Jess standing out in her white dress. A small soft knock comes to my door as it
creaks a little as it opens. “Hay babe its time to go.” I take one more look
around, hop up from my chair and head off leaving the past locked in a room where
it mixes with the present in hope to make me.
If
I close my eyes though I cannot tell you if the paper work on the desk belongs to
a writer or a doctor. I cannot tell you if the window in the office over looks
a city or a countryside field. I cannot tell you if the knock on the door came
from a girl friend or a wife. I cannot tell you if a child cries from the room
next door or just music. I can tell you though that in the closet sits an old
uniform from some branch of the armed force, because at one time I saw it my
duty as a citizen to serve. I can tell you that I still talk to my sisters and
although we all grew older we do not grow apart. I can tell you I still love
the outdoors just about as much as I love photography. I can also tell you I am
happy.
In
the past two or so years I experienced so much change in myself that it changed
my whole point of view of my future. If you asked me freshmen year this same question
I would say “I would like to find a job as a youth pastor and of course I will
get married to some gentleman.” Sophomore year, “I want to join the military I
still want to eventually hold a job as a youth pastor and yes one day I will eventually
marry some gentleman.” Junior year, “I want to join the military they will help
me pay for medical school so I can eventually hold a job as a trauma surgeon. I
will find a nice woman to settle down with.” This year I hold no for sure
answer to any of those questions. What I do know right now? In the fall I will
attend Simmons College in Boston, Massachusetts. I am lucky enough to live in a
loving family now and forever. I am also lucky in that I found a girl that
wants to date me but can also put up with me. We only think about a month in advance.
I hold more questions about my future then I do answers. I know very few things
and for right now I am ok with that. I think I finally understand that I do not
need to provide all the answers right now. Like everything, the answers will
all come in due time. Until then I will just close my eyes and think of the
office with bookshelves lining one wall and lots of black and white photographs
to remind me of where I came from.
